remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
