why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
