I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
