Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Sex in the backyard? Check.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
