i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Quick, to the slutcave!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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