Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
