very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize