She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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