Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
