Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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