Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
