Pants 0. Shit 1.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
