I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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