the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize