You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
