i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
