You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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