I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
