my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
