And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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