Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
