my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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