I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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