More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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