I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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