I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
