Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
