i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
my sisters under your porch take her home
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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