Tell her she can't have a vagina
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
