UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
and she was petting her beer can
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
