I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
