My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
