I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
