It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
