peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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