Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
