i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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