this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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