well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
