You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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