so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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