i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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