all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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