Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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