My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
