I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
