Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
