He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
did i just pee glitter
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
