Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
