I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
