I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
