it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize