mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize