he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
