He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
