Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
