there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
