think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
